Get this. It’s Labor Day, so I’m gonna totally prank my mom. I went and took the hunting rifle from the mantle last night. She probably hasn’t noticed. She’s gonna come up soon and open the door. She won’t expect me to already be awake. She’s gonna freak.
It’s almost breakfast time. I can smell it. Cinnamon toast and three eggs. She’ll be coming up soon to tell me it’s ready. When she opens the door she’ll find me sitting up in bed, pointing the rifle at her. It’ll be so funny.
In my bedroom the window is to the left and the door is to the right and my bed is just in the middle. The sun comes in through the window every morning and wakes me up. The light doesn’t fall across my bed, but across the poster on the opposite wall.
The poster is really important to me. It’s a poster of my favorite singer, from her last tour. I wish I could have seen her, but she didn’t play anywhere near here. It sucks, but I understand. She lives thousands of miles away, and it’s so boring here. I don’t know why anyone would ever want to visit.
Above the poster, the wallpaper is starting to peel. It’s really gross, please don’t look at it. Then there’s the big pile of dirt in the corner. I’m still not sure where that’s coming from, but it keeps getting bigger. There are weird bugs in it. This gun is really heavy.
My favorite thing about my bed is that it’s big and soft. It’s really easy to get lost in all the sheets and blankets. Some nights I’ll go under them and just crawl around for hours. I totally lose track of time. When I close my eyes, though, I fall asleep right away, and I sleep like the dead.
I think I heard the toaster pop. My senses are so hyper-attuned right now, I can pick up on things like that. It’s because I’m so excited to pull this prank. It’s gonna be so funny. Wait. She’s coming up the stairs now. The third step from the bottom makes a special sort of squeaking sound and I just heard it.
Her feet are padding up the steps. I can hear her socks on the carpet. The banister creaks a little when she puts her hand on it. She’s got to the top step. She’ll be on the landing now. She’ll be coming down the hall towards my door. I’m raising up the rifle. I’m putting my eye to the sight and my finger on the trigger.
She’s standing right outside my door. For some reason she’s waiting a second before she comes in. I have to concentrate really, really hard to keep from laughing. There’s no way I’m letting myself give the game away now, though. Not when I’m so close. She knocks on the door.
My mother knocks on the door. As she’s doing this she’s already pushing it open. “Breakfast is…” She comes into the room. She traits off as she sees the gun. I’ve got it pointed right at her head. “Pow!” I say, and then pull the trigger.
The rifle clicks. It wasn’t loaded, of course. It’s never loaded. We just have it for show. “Ah!” my mother says, surprised. Then she laughs. “You got me. I’m dead.” She pulls a rigor mortis face. We both laugh. “Breakfast is ready,” she says. “Take that down with you and put it back where you got it, okay?”
“Sure thing, mom!” I say. I think about how bad it would be if the house were filling with poisonous gas right now, and it was only a matter of seconds before our hearts and lungs were paralyzed by deadly neurotoxins.