The Magician Speaks

A story about an accident.

“Wait, ladies and gentlemen, I think… I’m sorry, something has… ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve… something has happened. There’s been an accident. Or, something has happened… I don’t know… I’m sorry, this isn’t part of the act, ladies and gentlemen, really, I mean it, please, don’t laugh, this is serious. This isn’t part of the act. I don’t understand… oh, God. It’s… I can’t see. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to explain it, just a moment ago I was looking out at all of you, at all of your lovely, clever faces, but when I snapped my fingers, just now… really, I don’t… it just all went away. Like putting out the lights. Like someone has put out the lights. I… this isn’t some sort of joke, is it? No one has turned off the lights in the theatre? No one has turned out all the lights? The lights are still shining on me? Someone, please, speak up, this, I’m asking seriously, really, ladies and gentlemen, this isn’t an act, this isn’t part of the act. There was a dove that was supposed to appear. It’s a wonderful effect, ladies and gentlemen. It’s one of my very favorites in the whole show. I was so excited to share it with you all. When I snapped my fingers, just now, a dove was supposed to appear perched right there, right in my hand. Right in, right in this hand… but there’s no dove… I’m not mistaken, am I, ladies and gentlemen? There’s no dove alighted on my fingertips, is there? No, no… it seems… really, ladies and gentlemen, it seems my sight went away instead. It just… I don’t understand it… my sight just disappeared. It’s vanished. Like… like… like the end of a movie. Cut to black, nothing more to see… but it’s not even black, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not… I don’t know, it’s not anything… I don’t know how to describe it. There’s no… tone. There’s no form or texture. Not even the slightest hint. There’s just a… lack. Just a… well, a not there. A not anything. There’s not anything, ladies and gentlemen, not even nothing, not even the absence of something. Sight, seeing, I… I remember what it was, I know what it was, but I can’t… even in memory I can’t picture it… anything. The idea of picturing something, it… it suddenly doesn’t make sense to me. The idea doesn’t make sense. I know it did just a few moments ago, all my life before… before a few moments ago but now, but suddenly the concept… the very concept… I don’t understand the concept of a picture, ladies and gentlemen. I can’t remember what it was like to picture something. Even though I know I was perfectly capable of it just a moment ago, just a moment ago before… before I snapped my fingers, and my sight… it must be some sort of horrible accident. I don’t wish to upset you fine, generous people, but it’s the only thing… all I can think is it must be some horrible, freak accident that’s happened. I must have made some sort of terrible mistake. The dove should have appeared, but instead this… it can’t have happened for no reason. There must be some explanation. There is always… there is always some explanation. Ladies and gentlemen, did you see anything? Please, tell me, when I snapped my fingers, was there anything that happened? Anything strange? Something you might have thought was part of the show? Please, think hard, ladies and gentlemen, and if you think you saw anything, anything at all, please, tell me, please, don’t feel shy, don’t hesitate to speak up… it’s strange, ladies and gentlemen, I used to imagine what it would be like to be blind. In fact, I used to be terribly afraid of it. It was completely irrational, of course, one of those irrational childhood fears that seem to come out of nowhere and grip you so intensely exactly because there’s no reason for them, no logic to them, no logic… I’m sure you all know the sort of fear I speak of… a practically universal experience, I believe, there have been studies… in any case, I would make my parents leave a lighted candle by my bed at night, not a nightlight, a candle, a real candle, wax and wick and flame, because a real flame is irregular, you see, it’s always changing, so when I would feel afraid lying in bed in the dark I could turn my head and look at it and know that I was really seeing it, because it would always be different, there was no chance it was just some memory lingering in my eyes, some false image burned into an occulted retina. That was how I thought it worked, you understand, or… not definitely, but thought that perhaps that could be how it worked, that if you went blind your brain would somehow substitute the memory of what you had seen right before it happened for the real thing, that it would do this to shield you from realizing you’d gone blind… the brain would know you couldn’t handle it, you understand, it would try to protect you… but these memories, these memories would be frozen, ladies and gentlemen, they wouldn’t move at all, or if they did, it would just be a tiny bit of motion in a loop, because that was all the memory was, the brain couldn’t show you anything more than that because really there was no new information coming in, there was nothing for it to work with, really, because you were blind. What a trick that would be, wouldn’t it?… But of course, that’s not how it really works. My parents tried to tell me as much. And my father was an optometrist, so he knew what he was talking about. He could show me all sorts of charts and diagrams and studies on the matter… he was very patient, so very patient, he would sit with me for hours and try to walk me through all the parts I was too young to understand on my own… all the words I didn’t know… try to make me understand. But it didn’t make a difference, because childhood phobias work on their own logic, you know? And it’s an unshakeable logic, totally self-contained, totally internally consistent, even if it doesn’t seem that way to anyone not in the grip of one… as I said, I’m sure almost all of you in the audience can relate, I’m sure almost all of you were once in the grip of equally irrational, equally unshakable fears, fears which probably seem silly to you now, but they were deadly serious at the time, oh yes, deadly serious… you know, I always imagined, at that age, that after you realized you were blind, your brain would stop trying to trick you, because there would be no point to it, you see, the game would be over, no more sport in it, nothing to be gained, and then it would be like staring into an infinite void forever. Just an infinite, bottomless black void… but this, whatever has happened, ladies and gentlemen, and I still don’t quite know what it is, it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all, ladies and gentlemen. I still don’t know quite how to describe it. It’s like… rather than a void it’s more like, maybe, before the beginning, before the Big Bang, or whatever you want to call that first, that most primordial state, when everything was still all packed together, still all unimaginably dense, it’s like I’m there but I’m… outside it. Not bodily, you understand, ladies and gentlemen, I have not lost my other senses, I am still perfectly aware of where I am, where I really am, I feel the air moving around me, I can smell the dust drifting in it, and the fragrant perfumes and colognes some of you fine, cultured ladies and gentlemen have adorned yourselves with, I hear my voice and how it reverberates off the walls and the ceiling of this beautiful, venerable old theatre, where, I must say again, really, I must, it is such an honor to be able to perform, for all you lovely people, who have been such a wonderful audience, such an engaged, enthusiastic, really wonderful audience, again, it has been such a pleasure, such an honor to be able to perform for you all this evening… but there is some part of me, not my body but some other part, you see, some other, intangible aspect of my being, which is separate from all of this, which is outside of all this, which is in some place which… which is not a place at all, which has no characteristics at all, outside of everything, outside of the world, the universe, everything that’s ever happened, everything that ever will happen. I’m there but not there, because I can’t… I can’t be there, there’s no… I don’t know how to explain it, ladies and gentlemen, there’s no there for me to be, but I am there. My sight is there, the part of my being to which my sight is connected is… there, in this place that isn’t a there, that isn’t a place but isn’t not a there either… I think that’s what must have happened, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t understand it, I don’t know how to explain it, I’m sorry if this isn’t making any sense, ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I think… I think when I snapped my fingers my sight was… taken, it was taken to this place without sight, without seeing, but… my sight is there, I am seeing this place that isn’t a place, but that isn’t not a place, where there is not anything to see but there is not nothing to see either, this… I don’t understand it, ladies and gentlemen, I fear… I’m afraid… I don’t understand it, I… perhaps… perhaps, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t wish to offend anyone by making this suggestion, please don’t be offended, I’m only trying to understand, only trying as best I can to explain… to explain… the dove… my parents were scientists, you know, an optometrist, as I said, and a mathematician, my mother was a mathematician, so I’ve never… I wasn’t raised in a religious household, you understand, I’ve always respected the beliefs of others, but personally I’ve never… it’s just… I don’t wish to… the last thing I would want is to offend any of you fine people, so please… it’s just, I wonder… I wonder…” [At this point, the Magician suddenly collapses, and is quickly is rushed to St. Catherine’s General. There, he is determined to be comatose, but not braindead. As of this writing, he has not regained consciousness.]